Wow, what a very depressing phrase! That tiny phrase carries the tremendous burden of Hannah's grief.
Her womb being closed by the Lord went on year by year.
Her rival's fruitfulness being rubbed in her face went on year by year.
Her being grievously provoked went on year by year.
Her irritation went on year by year.
Her bitter weeping went on year by year.
Her lost appetite went on year by year.
Her sadness in her heart went on year by year.
Her unquenchable yearning for a child went on year by year.
Her deep distress went on year by year.
Her trying to bargain with God went on year by year.
Her affliction went on year by year.
Her feeling forgotten by the Lord went on year by year.
Her praying to be remembered went on year by year.
Her being troubled in her spirit went on year by year.
Her pouring out her soul to the Lord for relief went on year by year.
Her being regarded as a worthless woman went on year by year.
Her great anxiety went on year by year.
Her vexation went on year by year.
Year by year by year by year...and she could do nothing about it despite her efforts because it is the Lord that closed her womb and she knew that it was only the Lord that can open her womb.
Can you feel the heaviness of her grief yet? Do you understand her pain now? And this was all just in the first 16 verses of 1 Samuel 1. I know there were many other things not mentioned that she had to wrestle with especially in her day and age (lack of value for not bearing any children let alone a boy, not having a purpose outside giving her husband children, having no identity if she was not a mother, and so much more).
Can you imagine how facing the reality of all of this became more and more of a huge load to carry day after day? The unbearable disappointment and dashing of hopes that came month after month when the "way of the woman" came upon her yet again. What a struggle year after year! With all of this desperation being unleashed that day at the temple, I can see why Eli thought she was drunk.
But as I read the story of Hannah the childless woman (to summarize her situation), I am also reminded of and comforted by God's sovereign will and power and of His providential guidance.
God is the one who opens and closes wombs. It's not by some meaningless chance of nature that Hannah was barren. There was a purpose to it. The Lord had a plan for her womb to remain closed until the day came that she specifically vowed if God gave her a son (not just a child) that she would give him to the Lord all the days of his life (not just a few years) dedicating him as a Nazirite (not just any servant of the Lord).
Without her suffering (though sad as it may be), we would never have had the great prophet Samuel to appoint David as King thus partially fulfilling one of the many Messianic prophecies that would later be completed in and through Jesus Christ.
God allows suffering but none of it is senseless. We see this truth not only in the story of Hannah but in many others throughout the Bible. Whatever sorrow you may have to bear, God has not forgotten. In fact, the reality is He compassionately remembers you and the unique purpose He has for you every time he hears your cries.
Even if you never have the ending that you pray for (like Hannah did), it is all part of his perfect plan that can only be fulfilled specifically through you. So feel privileged instead of deprived.
You are not blessed less if you do not have the same blessings as others; you are just blessed differently.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
On a personal note, I can very much relate to Hannah and her childlessness as Aaron and I are approaching 9 years of marriage with no children.
ReplyDeleteAlthough not all of those years have been filled with longing to have children right then (especially the early years), there have been many struggles along the way and even an identity crisis or two (What was my purpose? Who was I to be if not a mother?). But we are now at peace with whatever God in His infinite wisdom has for us. Whether that is no children…now...or ever.
I am not saying that we don't still wrestle with sadness, anger, yearning, hopelessness, identity, our purpose, doubts, or pressure (societal, biological, emotional, or otherwise) from time to time but there is that overarching comfort that God is in control. We have faith that His plan for our lives is better than anything we could have ever imagined.
We try, though hard at times, to be happy about what we have been blessed with (some blessings are directlybecause we are childless) instead of being sad about the children that we do not have.
We do not know what the future holds but we are trusting God every step of the way.
Will the Lord ever give us children?
Insha'alla...
(which is Arabic for "God willing" or "If it is God's will" - a phrase that we heard a lot in Bethlehem and one that encompasses all of our thought and feelings on this matter as well as many others.)
Thank you for your openess and honesty Misty! I know how painful it can be to want something so badly- and feel like everywhere you turn the desire is being rubbed in your face.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience when I wanted to be pregnant- all I saw were nursing babies and pregnant bellies. When I was scrimping every penny- I was constantly asked to go out and eat, or to the movies, or to many other expensive events. I overheard people talking about the $100 jeans they bought on "sale" and I just want to pull her highlighted hair. Yet, somehow when money isn't tight I don't notice these kind of comments as much.
You seem to have such a positive attitude- seeing the good in your current situation and being content with where God has you.